Take up your cross

So this whole pregnancy, baby coming soon thing is sort of becoming a reality. Although I don't even look pregnant yet, the Lord is teaching me a lot these days. Our pastor is doing a series on priorities when it comes to God, family and everything else in life. The last two Sundays have been talking about family and children, and I have not cried happy tears like that in a long time.

This was a very unexpected life that is growing in me, yet while I cannot see it, feel it, or ever met this sweet one, I am falling in love. I am excited to give birth and hold this sweet baby of ours on my chest, then pass this beautiful love of ours around to family and friends showing how good God is even when you consider his plan wrong at the time. This has been a roller coaster of emotions for me, yet, for some reason, I have been ready, a weird, excited, anticipation is building up in this mama! I can't wait to find out if its a boy or girl, then see baby move all the time and especially when Nick and I talk to it. I am so excited to share Jesus with our child, sing to our child, pray with our child, dance with our child, bake with our child. I am excited to be selfless and sacrifice for our loved child.

I have a confession, I am very selfish. I mean this is not what I had planned for my life. I was to have kids when all our ACU debt was paid off, when we had a house, when I was 27, that is prime and perfect age ya know, when Nick and I have 5 years behind us in marriage, when I would have worked more than a year and a half in full time youth ministry, then I would have a child. Yet, you know, my plans were not God's. I have the gift of faith and discernment I believe, yet for so long I never heard a clear answer from God on what was next for the Martinez family, never expected this. Yet, I am so ready to be a mom! I am so ready to not work and take care of my little one! God has changed my heart and is making it more like this through a series of unexpected and painful events ending with "and here is the ultimate gift to you, a child!" A friend of mine reminded me this week that I must take up my cross daily, hourly, minute by minute, just as Jesus tells his disciples in Matthew 16:24-25, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves, take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for my sake will find it."

So this is my prayer for me and for everyone that calls themselves a disciple of Christ.
Lord I will give up my plans, my wants in life that do not coincide with yours. I will stop writing out my own blueprint of my life and hand over the tools to you in exchange for the heavy cross. I will make sacrifices to serve others, my husband, my child, my friends and family, and those I don't know, all for the name of Jesus Christ. Solomon had it right when he said in Proverbs 19:21, "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevail." Thank you father for your purposes, they are so much better than mine. I will deny myself and trust in you Abba.


-Your precious daughter